her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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