Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
