Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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