Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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