Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
