Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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