then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
