70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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