You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
