I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
