Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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