I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
