i don't like sucking hair
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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