i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
