I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
