Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize