He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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