Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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