Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
