I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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