I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
