i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
