I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
