I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
