haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Drake has all the answers
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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