I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
