i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
time to smoke my breakfast
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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