Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
