this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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