I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
