Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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