Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
