U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
