I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
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A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend