I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
