I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
