I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
No subtext here. People are naked.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
