the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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