I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
