Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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