she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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