Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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