and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
