you didnt know i had herpes?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
