I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
3 2 1 whiskey
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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