not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
