I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
