Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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