meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
