Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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