He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
