Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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