On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
