got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
