When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
