Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Someone stole a lamp last night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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