Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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