I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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